Mother's Day - The Best Yet Worst Day of the Year

Some may say that the commercialization of Mother's Day takes away from the sanctity of being a mother; however, I am going to take a different stand. Mother's Day is the last buffer against satan's attack on the privilege of being a mother. Who knew that his determination to create a worldly human race led to him creating a day of celebrating one of the things he has fought so hard to destroy.

Yes, we should celebrate mothers more than just one day a year, but the fact that we have one day set aside to spoil the woman who have given so much is evidence that satan isn't winning.

There are very few things in this world as precious as mothers. While I have yet to become a mother myself I have had the privilege of having two wonderful woman to call mom. One was there for me when I took my first step, learned to talk, went to school, was baptized, and went through the difficult early teenage years. She was taken from me far too quickly. I only had 17 short years with her but the lessons she taught me in that brief time will always be with me. There is no better teacher in this world than my mom. As I have grown up I have noticed that there are only certain ways that I will do things. Is there a reason for this? None aside from the fact that that is how my mom did it. Even though I have one of the best stepmothers in the world there is not a day that goes by that I don't wish I still had my mother on this earth. She knows me better that I am sure I know myself and she would be able to give me the advice I need to navigate this time in my life. Of course she would most likely tell me to woman up and just plow through. With love.

As I have become an adult (strictly by age, mentally, well that's yet to be determined) I have realized just how spoiled I am. I am not talking about worldly ways. I am spoiled because I grew up with a mother who loved me. She loved me enough to teach me the Gospel, to take responsibility for my actions, to always better myself. She loved me enough to teach me how to take care of myself, to become a contributing member of society, and to always look for ways to serve others. She also loved me so much that she did whatever she could to protect me from the evils of the world. I had a safe home, our home was a sanctuary from the world. As I have grown older I have come to know that having a home such as this is actually rare.

Don't get me wrong, my mother wasn't perfect, she had her faults, as we all do. Her faults are part of the reason she is so amazing. However, no one could ever say that one of my mother's faults was her lack of effort in trying to be the best mother she possibly could be.

In the ever increasing attack on mothers I had the wonderful example of a mother who took her divine power as a mother seriously and who took President Ezra Taft Benson's words to heart "in the eternal perspective, children -- not possessions, not position, not prestige -- are our greatest jewels." Her seven children were her greatest treasure. This was evidence by the fact she always put our needs and wishes above her own. 

I miss her everyday. People claim that it gets easier but it doesn't. Some days the pain of missing her is to the point of being overwhelming, but my knowledge of the gospel keeps me going. I know that because my parents were sealed in the temple I am part of an eternal family that will only be broken by my refusal to live according to God's commandments. 

I am truly lucky to have been the daughter of this wonderful woman.

Not only was I blessed to be the daughter of this Heavenly Angel but I also am blessed to have a wonderful woman take on the role of surrogate mother. I am not a fan of the term step-mother as it insinuates a detached relationship and it has been given a bad reputation. Thank you Disney.

Laura may not be my biological mother but she is the mother that gets to be the one that physically celebrates all of life's ups and downs with me. I couldn't have asked for someone better even if my mother had hand picked her to do what she couldn't do. Without even trying, Laura has become the person whom I trust to help guide me through life because I know that she wants me to succeed in everything that I do.

Even though Mother's Day is one of the hardest day's for me it is also a great day to reflect.  While I think about my mom all year round, I revel in the fact that Mothers day gives me an excuse to talk nonstop about my mom(s). No one is as lucky as me. I have the honor of being watched over by my mother that's in heaven and my mom that is on earth. I only hope I don't give them too much to worry about.

Why Men in Classic Literature are Better Than Men in Real Life

There is a meme circulating Pinterest claiming that men in books are better; however, it only illustrates the beauty that has been brought to life by the men who play them in the screen adaptations. As seen here:



They also call them boys, but a deeper analysis of the books/movies proves that they are indeed men. (In case anyone is wondering this is Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice; and Mr. Thornton from North and South. The latter being my favorite of all time.) There is never any explanation as to why they are better. I have decided to take it upon myself to expound on the why. Over the next few weeks I have taken one for the team a deemed it my responsibility to show why the men of today could learn a lot from these great men. The first one up is Mr. Rochester from Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre.

Mr. Rochester gets a lot of flack because he seduced Jane even though he was married. He knew that their marriage wouldn’t be legal. He kept Bertha Mason locked in an attic. And he played with Jane’s emotions by making her believe that he was going to marry Blanche Ingram. On the outside looking in those seem like terrible things; however, a deeper scrutiny shows Mr. Rochester wanting Jane because of who she was and not what she could offer him. He loved her. He loved that she rose above her horrible childhood to become this strong, intelligent woman who knew who she was. He saw her as his salvation. She made him want to become a better man. To him the marriage was false, he never loved Bertha and she never loved him. Although locking her in an attic seems harsh, taking into account the circumstances of the 19th century, Thornfield’s attic was a much better option than the asylum’s of those days. He was protecting her as well as those who worked for him. This is evidenced by the fact that it is talked about how he pays Bertha’s nurse much better than others. He may not have loved her but he still honored his commitment to care for her the best that he could. He was never going to marry Blanche, had she seen past her own ambitions she wouldn’t have gotten so carried away. Mr. Rochester insists that Jane be present at dinner and afterward because he enjoys seeing the difference in her behavior compared to Blanche. He knows that she is the one that he wants and it is more to anger Blanche and force her to see her shortcomings rather than Jane.

9 Reasons why Mr. Rochester was a Good man:





1.) Good men want substance:

· Everyone assumed that Mr. Rochester would marry the ‘beautiful’ Blanche Ingram. She came from a good family and most likely came with a substantial dowry. However, Mr. Rochester saw who she really was and he wasn’t impressed. One of the best scenes is when Mr. Rochester insists that Jane comes and sits with him by the fire, claiming that she is the only person around him worth having a conversation. Mr. Rochester knew that beauty alone wouldn’t survive a marriage, as he had experienced that before, he wants someone who challenges him and encourages him to be a better person.

2.) Good men encourage those around them to see their worth and have confidence in themselves:

· A good strong man doesn’t degrade those around him. He doesn’t feel the need to get his confidence from making others feel inferior. A good man recognizes others worth and encourages them to see it in themselves. Mr. Rochester saw Jane in a way that no one else did. She wasn’t “pretty” in the way society measured beauty but he saw her pure inner beauty.

3.) Good men do not flatter unnecessarily:

· This one may seem a bit strange; however, it is very important. Good men give sincere compliments. They don’t flatter just to flatter or to appear better than they really are. When they give compliments they are genuine and meant to boost a woman’s self-esteem and not just their ego.

4.) Good men see you for what your spirit is, not what is covering it:

· I am not saying that physical attraction isn’t important, it is. However, it is not the most important thing. It is also important to understand that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Good men are capable of seeing that women are not the photoshopped menageries that inundate us daily. They are capable of seeing the individual beauty that every woman has. Jane is repeatedly referred to as “not a beauty”, and throughout the book this is a topic of conversation between her and Mr. Rochester. She even tells him that he isn’t handsome. They are both physically attracted to each other, obviously, and that is that matters to them. Mr. Rochester doesn’t care that Jane isn’t “beautiful” according to societies standards; all that matters is that she is beautiful to him. 

 
5.) Good men don’t want to be the “ruler” but wishes to have a companion to share responsibility and joy:

· A good man will know that he is good alone but great with a woman that he can make decisions with. He also knows that a woman will not be able to me controlled. In one version Mr. Rochester states; “You are an independent, intelligent woman are you not?” (I am paraphrasing but that’s basically what he says.) Because he knew and loved Jane he knew that she was more than capable of being his equal in everything, which is what he wanted. After having had the life he did he wanted someone who was his equal and wouldn’t take anything less.

6.) Good men will always call upon the woman he loves to help him through difficult situations:

· Toward the end of the novel Jane, being with the Rivers, is out for a walk and hears the voice of Mr. Rochester calling her name. For the longest time I always thought “Oh how sweet, they can still feel each other even though they are separated by distance.” It wasn’t until recently that I saw another angle; in his greatest hour of need all he wanted was Jane. He wanted the one thing he knew would make losing his sight bearable. He wanted Jane to help ease the burden, the greatest compliment anyone could give Jane.

7.) Good men will treat the women they love so well that they will radiate from the inside out:

· This one is specific to Jane Eyre because as her and Mr. Rochester’s relationship deepens as he awakens her inner self-confidence that literally radiates from her. She begins to see herself as the beautiful, wonderful person that she is. Many would argue that Jane/any woman shouldn’t allow her confidence to be connected to the attentions of a man. However, in this case Mr. Rochester sees what most other people fail to see in Jane and she delights in the knowledge that she isn’t the only one that sees her amazing qualities. 

 
8.) Good men shower gifts that mean something:

· Jane wasn’t one for material things. She had grown up with a complete lack of gifts. This confused Mr. Rochester, the woman in his social circle thrived on being completely covered in the best gowns and jewelry. Until he had gotten the hang of Jane’s tastes he insisted on giving her fancy jewelry. One of my favorite lines is “How could I have ever thought the fancy veil would have suited you better?” (I paraphrased) He caught on that worldly things didn’t matter to Jane, she preferred things that were meaningful not only to her but also to the person that gave it to her.

9.) Good men will do whatever it takes to keep the woman they love in their life:

· The 2007 Masterpiece Theater adaptation depicts this perfectly. Shown through a flashback Jane remembers the night of her ruined wedding. Mr. Rochester came to her room to beg her to stay at Thornfield. During this intimate exchange Mr. Rochester tells Jane that he has a villa in the Mediterranean that they could live there as brother and sister. He was willing to set aside his desires as long as it meant she would be near him. While Jane knew that his scenario would never turn out the way he envisioned, the remarkable thing is that he wanted her so much he was willing to put aside everything he truly wanted.

Disclaimer: These are simply my opinions, if you disagree or want to add something please feel free but do so in a kind and considerate manner. Also I drew from all the adaptations as well as the book, the photos at the beginning are from the 2007 and 2011 adaptations respectively.

The Inside of my Confusing Mind

It's about to get real personal up in here. If you get uncomfortable that's not my problem because I warned you. 

For the last four and a half years I have shunned the notion of marriage and family. Prior to this I suffered the loss of a relationship that I was certain was going to be one that I would have for eternity. After that I decided that all men were liars and couldn't be trusted. I can now say that I was terribly wrong and that I was hiding behind my own fears and insecurities. The loss encouraged me to finish my degree, to focus on something that I could control and that would bring me joy. Then for four years I had school and work to focus on. There was no room in my life for this crazy little thing they call love, and I was happy about that. Fortunately for me, I graduated last December. Had school continued I would have gotten lost in my own mind. For the longest time I was certain that my life wasn't supposed to include a spouse and children, I had almost convinced myself of that as well. The last few months I have realized my selfish ways. I am not saying I am selfish because I want to further my education. I am saying that I am selfish by not sharing what I have to offer to spouse and the children that would be entrusted to me. There is nothing more important in this world than being a mother. Whether I become one or not, the desire to do God's greatest work will benefit me greatly. 

Now on to a few things I have learned as I have decided to let go of my natural man and become a better person. 

Faith and hope are not often words that you would associate with dating and courtship; however, in the climate of the modern world, these Christ like attributes are the foundation of my struggling dating world… and not in the way that you think. I do not have faith and hope that one day I will find a man that I want to carry me off into the sunset like a valiant pungent reindeer; I have faith and hope that one day I will meet a man who is willing to build a life with me.

Satan has convinced the world that in order for a marriage to be successful you must do the following:

•           Live together for a significant amount of time (how else will you know if you are a physical match).
•           Accept the fact that everyone is addicted to porn and that it will actually help your physical intimacy. (I wish I was kidding but I have read an article supporting this.)
•       Leave God out of your marriage, the only third person in your relationship should be Satan. (There is no article supporting this, it just best describes what most of the other “How to Make Your Marriage Work” advice.)
•       Each of you must be financially secure and independent in order to avoid the dreaded fights over money. Also, struggling to build a life together is not recommended, it is best if you just “insert spouse here.” 

Now lets here the rebuttal Christ offers:

• Save sexual activity until after you are married. Build a strong relationship before you take part in the sacred procreative powers given for use in marriage.
• The atonement is for everyone, if there has been an issue with pornography in the past it is never too late to repent. DO NOT accept a porn addiction. If they are not willing to change then do whatever you must to safeguard your spiritual and physical wellbeing.
• Every successful marriage includes a strong relationship with Heavenly Father.
• A strong marriage is build upon a strong foundation. One that has been built together through hardship and trial. The more you work for something the more valued it becomes to you.

Obviously these are not the exact words but they are my interpretation. I have been taught these principles my entire life. Not much has changed. The first three are the easiest to recognize and fight against the powers of Satan, but the fourth? That one is the wolf in sheep’s wool. Satan has tricked us into thinking that we have to have it all figured out before we bring someone into our lives. This is simply not true. Part of the fun is figuring it out together.

Being the sixth of seven kids I had the pleasure of being introduced to marriage pretty young. My oldest brother and sister got married when I was nine years old. I got to be the flower girl twice in one year. It was marvelous! Of course I was just thinking about the pretty dresses I got to wear and the fact that I got to go to a hair salon and have my hair done by a professional, a can of aerosol spray included. I wasn’t thinking about the fact that they were really young 18 and 19. At the time I didn’t realize how young they were and I still don’t. For some reason their age and lack of “security in life” didn’t affect whether they wanted to get married. My parents were married at age 17 and while people balked at their age it didn’t stop them. They were willing to do whatever it took to be with the person that they wanted to spend the rest of their life with. This doesn’t mean they were without their struggles.

I actually have no idea what their struggles are (something about me not being a part of their marriage, not sure what that is about). However, I do know that they have them. How you may ask? Well, it’s simple Jean; everyone has struggles. It’s a part of the human life cycle.  Not a soul alive can say that they have never had a struggle. (If they do, perhaps you may want to check their mental state.) I do know what I see; I see two couples (I am excluding my parents but will discuss them later) who fight to stay together. By fight I mean they do whatever they need to in order to keep their marriage strong. I know for a fact that they drive each other crazy, but they would die if they didn’t have the other person to drive them crazy. They have successfully built a life together. They didn’t have security when they first got married but now that they have worked together they have built more than just financial security. They had the faith and hope that if they stayed close to their Father in Heaven they would be able to navigate life’s challenges and come off conqueror.

Now to my parents, they were freaking 17 years old when they got married. I asked my dad once how in the world he felt capable of providing for a family that young, he answered “Because I had been taught to work hard, and with your mother I knew that I wouldn’t need to do it alone.” Wait, what? You mean marriage isn’t one sided? It’s almost as if he enjoyed the struggles.

Now you may be wondering what this whole post/rant is really about and here it is. I think I have found the struggle behind not only my dating life but every other single person in this world. We are under the impression that marriage should only happen when we are ‘ready’. “Ready” means prepared to handle the pressures of a spouse and children. I don’t know about others, but I am fairly certain that no one is ever “prepared to handle” the pressures that families bring until they have been brought. Sadly men are under the delusion that a happy marriage can only occur when he is financially secure.

I don’t want this, I want to build a life with a man who is willing to work and struggle together. From my experience, the strongest marriages are those that have survived the struggles. Not the marriages that have never weathered storms.

2015 Resolutions

Like many people I am thinking about the upcoming year. I don't usually do resolutions but I feel like 2015 is going to be my year. And here are the top five reasons why:

1) I am going to finish the first draft of my book. I have slowly been writing it but since it is my dream to become a published author I need to get serious about it!

2) I am going to come out of my shell more. I have a lot to offer the world but the world won't see it unless I am brave enough to show it.

3) I am going to learn a new hobby. Preferably ball room dance. On an unrelated note, if anyone wants to be my partner I am now accepting applications.

4) I am going to visit at least six new places. I have a love of travel and now is the time for me to travel the world.

5) I am going to become even more organized and efficient. No more drawers with papers that I have to sift through every time I need something.

The Paradox That is Me

Do you ever feel like your days are themed? As if Heavenly Father is trying to tell you something and because you are so stubborn you have to have an entire day that seems to focus on that one subject. Well that was my October 22nd.

My first clue as to how the day was going to go was manifest in a Facebook post by my wonderful sister:

"This morning I said to Anna (name has been changed), "You're so smart." To which she replied, "and so wonderful and beautiful!"

I smiled to myself at her perfect self-confidence. Why wouldn't she think those things? We tell her all the time that she is strong and capable and wonderful. She believes us.

Let's all be a little more like that - believe the voices that are telling you that you are strong and smart and beautiful and that you CAN do it. There's at least One out there saying those things to you. If there are those that saying otherwise (including your own voice), don't believe them for one second.

And in case you haven't heard it yet today - you are wonderful, strong, brilliant, loved and capable! You deserve every good thing that comes your way. 

After reading this my wheels started to turn, thinking, "Why don't we all think of ourselves as wonderful and beautiful?" The answer is not as simple as I would like to make it, but more on that later.

The second clue came in the form of a text message conversation with my hetero life partner (yes, that's a thing, similar to BFF's but stronger) Liz. This one actually started the day before with me confessing to having a crush on someone, but I will spare you all the boring details and only share the day of conversation. After telling Liz my devastation that the said crush didn't have a Facebook page and therefore I couldn't stalk him to find out his current dating situation this is the conversation that ensued:

Liz: (You) ask him.

Me: Ha! That's far too forward. I'll just admire from afar and then be heartbroken when he inevitably starts to bring someone around. Then I will have a renewed energy of hating men, and love of being single, all the while knowing if only I had been bolder something might have happened. This system has worked for years, I feel no reason to change it up now. 

Liz: Clearly it hasn't been working if (you) keep developing crushes. Woman up and ask.

Me: Crushes aren't a bad thing. I am a warm-blooded female who is unattached. Crushes are mandatory. 

Liz: And??? But what's the point in having a crush if (you) don't act (on) them?! I never said they were bad. I just find it interesting that (you're) going to move to another country but (you) won't get (your) flirt on (with) a crush. As another single, unattached female I find it interesting.

Me: I guess I'm just a bevy of paradoxes.

This conversation sent me into an existential tailspin.

How can I have zero qualms about moving to another country and yet I break out into hives at the mere thought of talking to a boy I find attractive?

We are talking ANOTHER country. Not just another state or city. A totally different country where I will know absolutely no one. Not only am I willing to move to another country but I am EXCITED about it. Yet, gauging out my own eyes sounds less painful than talking to a boy I like. And no I can't just blame it on my INFJ personality, this goes far beyond that. Why am I not afraid of failing in a strange land but terrified of rejection? One could mean being alone in an unfamiliar land with no one to lean on and the other is something that is over in a moment with a few days of embarrassment.

When did my confidence falter? Why can't I be like Anna and just KNOW that I am smart, wonderful and beautiful? When did I stop believing these things? Is it as simple as just blaming it on the world? What else happened? Is it because I stopped believing when people told me these things? I don't know about you but my family (well except for a couple of brothers, but it's expected that brothers would point out your faults) is constantly telling me that I am smart, beautiful and wonderful. And yet I can't seem to internalize it. I brush it off thinking to myself "They are my family they have to say those things, they don't actually mean it." When did I start questioning the sincerity of my family and friends?

All of these questions have the same answer: When I stopped believing in myself. When I decided to stop paying attention the people who knew me best and pay attention to those who have no idea who I really am.

I am not afraid to fail in another country because despite my lack of confidence in myself when it comes to other people, because no one else is involved. I'm not putting my self-esteem in the hands of someone else. This also begs the question: Why would my self-esteem be put in the hands of another person?

That one has a much simpler answer. At some point, I'm guessing around the same time I started to notice boys and reading magazines about how to get their attention. Every magazine telling me that I wasn't good enough the way that I was. That my hair was too straight, I had too much extra body, and my interests weren't "interesting" enough.

Being the impatient person that I am, I want to find a remedy that will fix this problem overnight. Sadly, none exist. I am forced to take the slower path. However, the slower path usually means that the lessons learned are ingrained in your psyche. It's hard to forget something when it takes mental torture to learn it.

And why would I say that convincing yourself that you are smart, wonderful and beautiful? Because it involves a complete mental refurbishment. In order to truly believe those words and the meaning behind them you have to cast out all other negative thoughts.

Now, just because I have pinpointed the reason behind my problem, doesn't mean I will be confronting said man, but it means that I will be thinking about it. Yes I know, the road to hell is paved with thinking about doing things, or something to that effect.

Overcoming fear of rejection and being thought an idiot is no small feat. There is also my fear of letting my uncontrollable geeky side and craziness show too much (more than it already has).

The paradox of me will probably never go away. I will always be more confidant in my ability to overcome new challenges than in my ability to communicate with other humans without looking a fool. Now you are probably saying to yourself "just think of talking to people as a new challenge", and yes you would think I could, but my brain can't just make up a new challenge, this has been a challenge since I could talk, it's going to talk a long while to over come it.

But during this long while I have a wonderful friend Liz who is constantly telling me things like this;

I know (you) can rise above (your) confidence issues, show (your) fabulous personality.

Actually with friends like this, this journey isn't going to be as long and hard as I am anticipating.

Bucket List

As I look forward to my graduation date (December 19th in case anyone was wondering) I can't help but look ahead to what I am going to do after I receive that very expensive piece of paper. I finally decided to put together my very own bucket list. Of course knowing me I will add to it and edit it often but at least I have written down what I want to do with my life. Here it goes!

1.     Live in a foreign country
2. Get my PhD
3. Write for the National Geographic
4. Write an episode of Doctor Who
5. Publish a novel
6. Volunteer with UNICEF
7. Be an ambassador for the U.N.
8. Own a Pomeranian and a German Shepard
9. Go to the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
10. Decorate a wedding cake (for an actual wedding)
11. Design my own fashion line
12. Go on an African safari
13. Attend Comic Con
14. Visit Australia and New Zealand
15. Visit St. Petersburg and Moscow
16. Visit Rome and Venice
17. Visit Athens
18. Visit Paris
19. Visit Petra
20. Visit Istanbul
21. See the Acropolis and Parthenon (specifically)
22. Visit every temple in the U.S.
23. Go on an Alaskan cruise
24. Go to Disneyland Paris
25. See the Great Wall of China

As of right now I only have 25; however, I am positive that will change as I am constantly seeing new things that I have to see in real life. I can't wait to get started and get some of these wonderful things crossed off!

Week 3

People say it takes 21 days to create a routine. I have officially hit my routine day. Life in Georgia has become a routine and it is a routine that I love. Even though I do basically the same thing daily there are simple things that change that make the routine fun. Well besides the fact that even though it is routine I don't feel like it is monotonous. I think I have finally realized that those two words have very different meanings.

A few things I have learned this week:

1) Morning fog is one of the most beautiful phenomenons on the planet. Especially when it is clear everywhere but over the Chattahoochee River.  

2) I have become afraid of overpasses. I can pinpoint this fear to the fact that every morning and afternoon I get stuck on one and this is my thought every time "well if there is an earthquake right now I guess I'm dead." The worst is when I get stuck on the bridge over the Chattahoochee because not only would I die from the earthquake but my body would never be found because it would be at the bottom of the river. Yeah, I have great uplifting thoughts as I drive.

3) If I am going to enjoy living in St. George even a little bit when I get back, they need to get a Trader Joe's before I get there. For those who have never shopped there, what is wrong with you? It is fabulous and need to join the crowd so that we can get one in the STG. 

4) I am becoming a dog person. I was fairly nonchalant to dogs; however, I am now a fan and will most definitely own a dog when I live in a place that allows one.

5) Serving someone else is the best way to forget your own life's dramas and put everything into perspective.
6) Jim Gaffigan gets funnier as I get older. Seriously though, I am listening to his newest special 'Obsessed' and I am laughing quite hard.

So the internship is going well. Don't judge me for the bragging that I am about to do. I was told this week by my co-worker that I am one of the best interns that she has seen. So I do tweets and pinterest pins for several clients and this week she didn't have to rewrite any of them. It's only been three weeks and they said it would take at least a month to get the voice and tone of the clients down enough to not have to rewrite them a couple of times. So yeah, I am pretty much awesome.

I was finally able to attend the temple last night and it was wonderful. I have so far been able to keep my goal of going to the temple at least once a month. I haven't been back to the Atlanta Temple since my mission and it was wonderful. I hadn't been inside since the renovation and it so beautiful. I mean all temples are beautiful no matter what but because this temple has become my favorite it is especially beautiful. I am continually amazed at how much I learn every time I attend a session at the temple. It never ceases to amaze me at the love that our Father in Heaven and our Savior have for us.

All in all this week was pretty fantastic. I am loving my life here and I wish it didn't have to ever end.