The Inside of my Confusing Mind

It's about to get real personal up in here. If you get uncomfortable that's not my problem because I warned you. 

For the last four and a half years I have shunned the notion of marriage and family. Prior to this I suffered the loss of a relationship that I was certain was going to be one that I would have for eternity. After that I decided that all men were liars and couldn't be trusted. I can now say that I was terribly wrong and that I was hiding behind my own fears and insecurities. The loss encouraged me to finish my degree, to focus on something that I could control and that would bring me joy. Then for four years I had school and work to focus on. There was no room in my life for this crazy little thing they call love, and I was happy about that. Fortunately for me, I graduated last December. Had school continued I would have gotten lost in my own mind. For the longest time I was certain that my life wasn't supposed to include a spouse and children, I had almost convinced myself of that as well. The last few months I have realized my selfish ways. I am not saying I am selfish because I want to further my education. I am saying that I am selfish by not sharing what I have to offer to spouse and the children that would be entrusted to me. There is nothing more important in this world than being a mother. Whether I become one or not, the desire to do God's greatest work will benefit me greatly. 

Now on to a few things I have learned as I have decided to let go of my natural man and become a better person. 

Faith and hope are not often words that you would associate with dating and courtship; however, in the climate of the modern world, these Christ like attributes are the foundation of my struggling dating world… and not in the way that you think. I do not have faith and hope that one day I will find a man that I want to carry me off into the sunset like a valiant pungent reindeer; I have faith and hope that one day I will meet a man who is willing to build a life with me.

Satan has convinced the world that in order for a marriage to be successful you must do the following:

•           Live together for a significant amount of time (how else will you know if you are a physical match).
•           Accept the fact that everyone is addicted to porn and that it will actually help your physical intimacy. (I wish I was kidding but I have read an article supporting this.)
•       Leave God out of your marriage, the only third person in your relationship should be Satan. (There is no article supporting this, it just best describes what most of the other “How to Make Your Marriage Work” advice.)
•       Each of you must be financially secure and independent in order to avoid the dreaded fights over money. Also, struggling to build a life together is not recommended, it is best if you just “insert spouse here.” 

Now lets here the rebuttal Christ offers:

• Save sexual activity until after you are married. Build a strong relationship before you take part in the sacred procreative powers given for use in marriage.
• The atonement is for everyone, if there has been an issue with pornography in the past it is never too late to repent. DO NOT accept a porn addiction. If they are not willing to change then do whatever you must to safeguard your spiritual and physical wellbeing.
• Every successful marriage includes a strong relationship with Heavenly Father.
• A strong marriage is build upon a strong foundation. One that has been built together through hardship and trial. The more you work for something the more valued it becomes to you.

Obviously these are not the exact words but they are my interpretation. I have been taught these principles my entire life. Not much has changed. The first three are the easiest to recognize and fight against the powers of Satan, but the fourth? That one is the wolf in sheep’s wool. Satan has tricked us into thinking that we have to have it all figured out before we bring someone into our lives. This is simply not true. Part of the fun is figuring it out together.

Being the sixth of seven kids I had the pleasure of being introduced to marriage pretty young. My oldest brother and sister got married when I was nine years old. I got to be the flower girl twice in one year. It was marvelous! Of course I was just thinking about the pretty dresses I got to wear and the fact that I got to go to a hair salon and have my hair done by a professional, a can of aerosol spray included. I wasn’t thinking about the fact that they were really young 18 and 19. At the time I didn’t realize how young they were and I still don’t. For some reason their age and lack of “security in life” didn’t affect whether they wanted to get married. My parents were married at age 17 and while people balked at their age it didn’t stop them. They were willing to do whatever it took to be with the person that they wanted to spend the rest of their life with. This doesn’t mean they were without their struggles.

I actually have no idea what their struggles are (something about me not being a part of their marriage, not sure what that is about). However, I do know that they have them. How you may ask? Well, it’s simple Jean; everyone has struggles. It’s a part of the human life cycle.  Not a soul alive can say that they have never had a struggle. (If they do, perhaps you may want to check their mental state.) I do know what I see; I see two couples (I am excluding my parents but will discuss them later) who fight to stay together. By fight I mean they do whatever they need to in order to keep their marriage strong. I know for a fact that they drive each other crazy, but they would die if they didn’t have the other person to drive them crazy. They have successfully built a life together. They didn’t have security when they first got married but now that they have worked together they have built more than just financial security. They had the faith and hope that if they stayed close to their Father in Heaven they would be able to navigate life’s challenges and come off conqueror.

Now to my parents, they were freaking 17 years old when they got married. I asked my dad once how in the world he felt capable of providing for a family that young, he answered “Because I had been taught to work hard, and with your mother I knew that I wouldn’t need to do it alone.” Wait, what? You mean marriage isn’t one sided? It’s almost as if he enjoyed the struggles.

Now you may be wondering what this whole post/rant is really about and here it is. I think I have found the struggle behind not only my dating life but every other single person in this world. We are under the impression that marriage should only happen when we are ‘ready’. “Ready” means prepared to handle the pressures of a spouse and children. I don’t know about others, but I am fairly certain that no one is ever “prepared to handle” the pressures that families bring until they have been brought. Sadly men are under the delusion that a happy marriage can only occur when he is financially secure.

I don’t want this, I want to build a life with a man who is willing to work and struggle together. From my experience, the strongest marriages are those that have survived the struggles. Not the marriages that have never weathered storms.