Do you ever feel like your days are themed? As if Heavenly Father is trying to tell you something and because you are so stubborn you have to have an entire day that seems to focus on that one subject. Well that was my October 22nd.
My first clue as to how the day was going to go was manifest in a Facebook post by my wonderful sister:
"This morning I said to Anna (name has been changed), "You're so smart." To which she replied, "and so wonderful and beautiful!"
I smiled to myself at her perfect self-confidence. Why wouldn't she think those things? We tell her all the time that she is strong and capable and wonderful. She believes us.
Let's all be a little more like that - believe the voices that are telling you that you are strong and smart and beautiful and that you CAN do it. There's at least One out there saying those things to you. If there are those that saying otherwise (including your own voice), don't believe them for one second.
And in case you haven't heard it yet today - you are wonderful, strong, brilliant, loved and capable! You deserve every good thing that comes your way.
After reading this my wheels started to turn, thinking, "Why don't we all think of ourselves as wonderful and beautiful?" The answer is not as simple as I would like to make it, but more on that later.
The second clue came in the form of a text message conversation with my hetero life partner (yes, that's a thing, similar to BFF's but stronger) Liz. This one actually started the day before with me confessing to having a crush on someone, but I will spare you all the boring details and only share the day of conversation. After telling Liz my devastation that the said crush didn't have a Facebook page and therefore I couldn't stalk him to find out his current dating situation this is the conversation that ensued:
Liz: (You) ask him.
Me: Ha! That's far too forward. I'll just admire from afar and then be heartbroken when he inevitably starts to bring someone around. Then I will have a renewed energy of hating men, and love of being single, all the while knowing if only I had been bolder something might have happened. This system has worked for years, I feel no reason to change it up now.
Liz: Clearly it hasn't been working if (you) keep developing crushes. Woman up and ask.
Me: Crushes aren't a bad thing. I am a warm-blooded female who is unattached. Crushes are mandatory.
Liz: And??? But what's the point in having a crush if (you) don't act (on) them?! I never said they were bad. I just find it interesting that (you're) going to move to another country but (you) won't get (your) flirt on (with) a crush. As another single, unattached female I find it interesting.
Me: I guess I'm just a bevy of paradoxes.
This conversation sent me into an existential tailspin.
How can I have zero qualms about moving to another country and yet I break out into hives at the mere thought of talking to a boy I find attractive?
We are talking ANOTHER country. Not just another state or city. A totally different country where I will know absolutely no one. Not only am I willing to move to another country but I am EXCITED about it. Yet, gauging out my own eyes sounds less painful than talking to a boy I like. And no I can't just blame it on my INFJ personality, this goes far beyond that. Why am I not afraid of failing in a strange land but terrified of rejection? One could mean being alone in an unfamiliar land with no one to lean on and the other is something that is over in a moment with a few days of embarrassment.
When did my confidence falter? Why can't I be like Anna and just KNOW that I am smart, wonderful and beautiful? When did I stop believing these things? Is it as simple as just blaming it on the world? What else happened? Is it because I stopped believing when people told me these things? I don't know about you but my family (well except for a couple of brothers, but it's expected that brothers would point out your faults) is constantly telling me that I am smart, beautiful and wonderful. And yet I can't seem to internalize it. I brush it off thinking to myself "They are my family they have to say those things, they don't actually mean it." When did I start questioning the sincerity of my family and friends?
All of these questions have the same answer: When I stopped believing in myself. When I decided to stop paying attention the people who knew me best and pay attention to those who have no idea who I really am.
I am not afraid to fail in another country because despite my lack of confidence in myself when it comes to other people, because no one else is involved. I'm not putting my self-esteem in the hands of someone else. This also begs the question: Why would my self-esteem be put in the hands of another person?
That one has a much simpler answer. At some point, I'm guessing around the same time I started to notice boys and reading magazines about how to get their attention. Every magazine telling me that I wasn't good enough the way that I was. That my hair was too straight, I had too much extra body, and my interests weren't "interesting" enough.
Being the impatient person that I am, I want to find a remedy that will fix this problem overnight. Sadly, none exist. I am forced to take the slower path. However, the slower path usually means that the lessons learned are ingrained in your psyche. It's hard to forget something when it takes mental torture to learn it.
And why would I say that convincing yourself that you are smart, wonderful and beautiful? Because it involves a complete mental refurbishment. In order to truly believe those words and the meaning behind them you have to cast out all other negative thoughts.
Now, just because I have pinpointed the reason behind my problem, doesn't mean I will be confronting said man, but it means that I will be thinking about it. Yes I know, the road to hell is paved with thinking about doing things, or something to that effect.
Overcoming fear of rejection and being thought an idiot is no small feat. There is also my fear of letting my uncontrollable geeky side and craziness show too much (more than it already has).
The paradox of me will probably never go away. I will always be more confidant in my ability to overcome new challenges than in my ability to communicate with other humans without looking a fool. Now you are probably saying to yourself "just think of talking to people as a new challenge", and yes you would think I could, but my brain can't just make up a new challenge, this has been a challenge since I could talk, it's going to talk a long while to over come it.
But during this long while I have a wonderful friend Liz who is constantly telling me things like this;
I know (you) can rise above (your) confidence issues, show (your) fabulous personality.
Actually with friends like this, this journey isn't going to be as long and hard as I am anticipating.
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