The Paradox That is Me

Do you ever feel like your days are themed? As if Heavenly Father is trying to tell you something and because you are so stubborn you have to have an entire day that seems to focus on that one subject. Well that was my October 22nd.

My first clue as to how the day was going to go was manifest in a Facebook post by my wonderful sister:

"This morning I said to Anna (name has been changed), "You're so smart." To which she replied, "and so wonderful and beautiful!"

I smiled to myself at her perfect self-confidence. Why wouldn't she think those things? We tell her all the time that she is strong and capable and wonderful. She believes us.

Let's all be a little more like that - believe the voices that are telling you that you are strong and smart and beautiful and that you CAN do it. There's at least One out there saying those things to you. If there are those that saying otherwise (including your own voice), don't believe them for one second.

And in case you haven't heard it yet today - you are wonderful, strong, brilliant, loved and capable! You deserve every good thing that comes your way. 

After reading this my wheels started to turn, thinking, "Why don't we all think of ourselves as wonderful and beautiful?" The answer is not as simple as I would like to make it, but more on that later.

The second clue came in the form of a text message conversation with my hetero life partner (yes, that's a thing, similar to BFF's but stronger) Liz. This one actually started the day before with me confessing to having a crush on someone, but I will spare you all the boring details and only share the day of conversation. After telling Liz my devastation that the said crush didn't have a Facebook page and therefore I couldn't stalk him to find out his current dating situation this is the conversation that ensued:

Liz: (You) ask him.

Me: Ha! That's far too forward. I'll just admire from afar and then be heartbroken when he inevitably starts to bring someone around. Then I will have a renewed energy of hating men, and love of being single, all the while knowing if only I had been bolder something might have happened. This system has worked for years, I feel no reason to change it up now. 

Liz: Clearly it hasn't been working if (you) keep developing crushes. Woman up and ask.

Me: Crushes aren't a bad thing. I am a warm-blooded female who is unattached. Crushes are mandatory. 

Liz: And??? But what's the point in having a crush if (you) don't act (on) them?! I never said they were bad. I just find it interesting that (you're) going to move to another country but (you) won't get (your) flirt on (with) a crush. As another single, unattached female I find it interesting.

Me: I guess I'm just a bevy of paradoxes.

This conversation sent me into an existential tailspin.

How can I have zero qualms about moving to another country and yet I break out into hives at the mere thought of talking to a boy I find attractive?

We are talking ANOTHER country. Not just another state or city. A totally different country where I will know absolutely no one. Not only am I willing to move to another country but I am EXCITED about it. Yet, gauging out my own eyes sounds less painful than talking to a boy I like. And no I can't just blame it on my INFJ personality, this goes far beyond that. Why am I not afraid of failing in a strange land but terrified of rejection? One could mean being alone in an unfamiliar land with no one to lean on and the other is something that is over in a moment with a few days of embarrassment.

When did my confidence falter? Why can't I be like Anna and just KNOW that I am smart, wonderful and beautiful? When did I stop believing these things? Is it as simple as just blaming it on the world? What else happened? Is it because I stopped believing when people told me these things? I don't know about you but my family (well except for a couple of brothers, but it's expected that brothers would point out your faults) is constantly telling me that I am smart, beautiful and wonderful. And yet I can't seem to internalize it. I brush it off thinking to myself "They are my family they have to say those things, they don't actually mean it." When did I start questioning the sincerity of my family and friends?

All of these questions have the same answer: When I stopped believing in myself. When I decided to stop paying attention the people who knew me best and pay attention to those who have no idea who I really am.

I am not afraid to fail in another country because despite my lack of confidence in myself when it comes to other people, because no one else is involved. I'm not putting my self-esteem in the hands of someone else. This also begs the question: Why would my self-esteem be put in the hands of another person?

That one has a much simpler answer. At some point, I'm guessing around the same time I started to notice boys and reading magazines about how to get their attention. Every magazine telling me that I wasn't good enough the way that I was. That my hair was too straight, I had too much extra body, and my interests weren't "interesting" enough.

Being the impatient person that I am, I want to find a remedy that will fix this problem overnight. Sadly, none exist. I am forced to take the slower path. However, the slower path usually means that the lessons learned are ingrained in your psyche. It's hard to forget something when it takes mental torture to learn it.

And why would I say that convincing yourself that you are smart, wonderful and beautiful? Because it involves a complete mental refurbishment. In order to truly believe those words and the meaning behind them you have to cast out all other negative thoughts.

Now, just because I have pinpointed the reason behind my problem, doesn't mean I will be confronting said man, but it means that I will be thinking about it. Yes I know, the road to hell is paved with thinking about doing things, or something to that effect.

Overcoming fear of rejection and being thought an idiot is no small feat. There is also my fear of letting my uncontrollable geeky side and craziness show too much (more than it already has).

The paradox of me will probably never go away. I will always be more confidant in my ability to overcome new challenges than in my ability to communicate with other humans without looking a fool. Now you are probably saying to yourself "just think of talking to people as a new challenge", and yes you would think I could, but my brain can't just make up a new challenge, this has been a challenge since I could talk, it's going to talk a long while to over come it.

But during this long while I have a wonderful friend Liz who is constantly telling me things like this;

I know (you) can rise above (your) confidence issues, show (your) fabulous personality.

Actually with friends like this, this journey isn't going to be as long and hard as I am anticipating.

Bucket List

As I look forward to my graduation date (December 19th in case anyone was wondering) I can't help but look ahead to what I am going to do after I receive that very expensive piece of paper. I finally decided to put together my very own bucket list. Of course knowing me I will add to it and edit it often but at least I have written down what I want to do with my life. Here it goes!

1.     Live in a foreign country
2. Get my PhD
3. Write for the National Geographic
4. Write an episode of Doctor Who
5. Publish a novel
6. Volunteer with UNICEF
7. Be an ambassador for the U.N.
8. Own a Pomeranian and a German Shepard
9. Go to the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
10. Decorate a wedding cake (for an actual wedding)
11. Design my own fashion line
12. Go on an African safari
13. Attend Comic Con
14. Visit Australia and New Zealand
15. Visit St. Petersburg and Moscow
16. Visit Rome and Venice
17. Visit Athens
18. Visit Paris
19. Visit Petra
20. Visit Istanbul
21. See the Acropolis and Parthenon (specifically)
22. Visit every temple in the U.S.
23. Go on an Alaskan cruise
24. Go to Disneyland Paris
25. See the Great Wall of China

As of right now I only have 25; however, I am positive that will change as I am constantly seeing new things that I have to see in real life. I can't wait to get started and get some of these wonderful things crossed off!

Week 3

People say it takes 21 days to create a routine. I have officially hit my routine day. Life in Georgia has become a routine and it is a routine that I love. Even though I do basically the same thing daily there are simple things that change that make the routine fun. Well besides the fact that even though it is routine I don't feel like it is monotonous. I think I have finally realized that those two words have very different meanings.

A few things I have learned this week:

1) Morning fog is one of the most beautiful phenomenons on the planet. Especially when it is clear everywhere but over the Chattahoochee River.  

2) I have become afraid of overpasses. I can pinpoint this fear to the fact that every morning and afternoon I get stuck on one and this is my thought every time "well if there is an earthquake right now I guess I'm dead." The worst is when I get stuck on the bridge over the Chattahoochee because not only would I die from the earthquake but my body would never be found because it would be at the bottom of the river. Yeah, I have great uplifting thoughts as I drive.

3) If I am going to enjoy living in St. George even a little bit when I get back, they need to get a Trader Joe's before I get there. For those who have never shopped there, what is wrong with you? It is fabulous and need to join the crowd so that we can get one in the STG. 

4) I am becoming a dog person. I was fairly nonchalant to dogs; however, I am now a fan and will most definitely own a dog when I live in a place that allows one.

5) Serving someone else is the best way to forget your own life's dramas and put everything into perspective.
6) Jim Gaffigan gets funnier as I get older. Seriously though, I am listening to his newest special 'Obsessed' and I am laughing quite hard.

So the internship is going well. Don't judge me for the bragging that I am about to do. I was told this week by my co-worker that I am one of the best interns that she has seen. So I do tweets and pinterest pins for several clients and this week she didn't have to rewrite any of them. It's only been three weeks and they said it would take at least a month to get the voice and tone of the clients down enough to not have to rewrite them a couple of times. So yeah, I am pretty much awesome.

I was finally able to attend the temple last night and it was wonderful. I have so far been able to keep my goal of going to the temple at least once a month. I haven't been back to the Atlanta Temple since my mission and it was wonderful. I hadn't been inside since the renovation and it so beautiful. I mean all temples are beautiful no matter what but because this temple has become my favorite it is especially beautiful. I am continually amazed at how much I learn every time I attend a session at the temple. It never ceases to amaze me at the love that our Father in Heaven and our Savior have for us.

All in all this week was pretty fantastic. I am loving my life here and I wish it didn't have to ever end. 

Week 2

If I thought getting up at 5:30 every morning was hard the first week, the second week just about killed me. People who say that getting up early gets easier they lie. I am pretty sure it is getting harder.

Don't worry I won't be doing a play by play, even though I am sure you all love it.

The week started out normal, except I realized that I really had no idea what the traffic in Atlanta could be like. Apparently last week the traffic was fairly light. That was not the case this week. On a good note, I was able to get to and from work without the use of a GPS! It's the little things really.

Things I have learned from my commute:

1) It doesn't matter where you live, people struggle to master the technique of merging.
2) Don't get overly optimistic when the traffic moves, you are just going to have to stop in a couple feet anyway.
3) Constantly switching lanes doesn't get you to your destination faster, you just look like a jerk.
4) When being pulled over by a police officer, do not pick the most narrow section of the road. (Honestly, I thought this was common sense but apparently it must be learned.)
5) People watching is fantastic. (You're welcome to the many cars that passed by me and enjoyed my jam session. It was Shakira if you are curious.)
6) An hour and half commute is a great way to discover new music. Thank you Spotify and Pandora for expanding my music library.
7) There are some musicians and music that I will never like. (I'm talking about you Jason Derulo and 2 Chains.)
And finally:
8) Moving a modular home that takes up two lanes is probably not a good idea on the Friday of a holiday weekend. The person who suggested that should probably be fired.

I also realized that the marker of becoming a real adult is when the frustration of being in traffic is not the amount of time it takes (it's actually a great time to think and ponder, when you are not listening to music, yes dad and Laura that does happen) but the loss in fuel economy in your car. Yep, I have become my father. It's not a bad thing I just wasn't prepared, I thought I had more time.

As for my actual work, I am loving it. I am learning so much and am very excited for the upcoming weeks. I know they will be long and hard but they will be worth it. So my day-to-day consists of writing social media for different client's. Meaning I write daily tweets for the company, Pinterest board captions for the company I work for and another client. I also write blog posts, FB posts, and will soon be working on press releases.

I know my family might not want to hear this but there is a good chance that I just won't come home. Just live here forever. Atlanta is completely different when you are here not for a mission and I love it even more. My initial love came from my love of the service that I was able to do here, but now that I have "lived" here I can honestly say that I love everything about this city. It also doesn't hurt that the family I live with are the greatest and are doing their best to spoil me enough that I don't want to leave. (Melysa, it's working.)

 I have also starting going to the YSA ward here in the area. I am pretty excited about it. It is already so different from my ward back home, I am going to have some great material for my paper. It should be interesting when I actually get involved. (Mollie even though I act like going places by myself is no biggie, it is actually pretty terrifying and takes a lot talking myself into it.)

All-in-all this was a fabulous week. It went by quickly, which is always a good thing. I am so glad that I am here and can't wait for the adventures that wait for me in the next few weeks. Have a blessed week everyone!

I survived!

I have officially been in Georgia for one week. I am doing an internship with a PR firm in downtown Atlanta for the summer. I am so excited to be back to my "home". I use quotes only because my family doesn't like that I consider Georgia my home now. I have loved every minute of this week. Yes, even the hour I spend on the road, in traffic to get to the office. Now for my adventures for the week, starting on Saturday, my travel day.

Saturday May 10th: My dear brother Mike woke up at 3:30 a.m., yes there is a 3:30 at that hour as well, and drove me to Vegas so that I could catch my 7:00 flight to Dallas. That leg of the trip was pretty uneventful, expect for the realization that siblings really do turn out the same and some personality traits are inherited. For instance: Mike and I both have serious road rage, we have to control ourselves not to actually follow people and beat them with a stick. Anyway I digress, when we got to the airport I was concerned that one of my bags would be over the limit, turns out it was by five pounds, after some minor adjusting I got my bags send off into the black hole that somehow gets them onto the correct plane. I only had about a 20 minute wait in the security line and I was off. I got to the gate only about 20 minutes before boarding. Now comes the exciting part. We board, pretty standard, the plane is full the pilot gets on and says that we were going to be able to take off early and that he would be moving to the runway. Well we get to the runway and sit there for about five minutes when the pilot comes on the intercom again and says that the light that indicates that some function is working properly is not working and they can't figure out why so we have to go back to gate. Meanwhile I am sitting in the middle sit about six inches short of room to be comfortable. We go back to the gate and sit there for about an hour. That's right folks, the plane that was on track to leave early actually left one hour late. YAY! Well I pass out on the flight after we finally get in the air and the next thing I know is that we are landing in Dallas. We touch down right as my flight to Atlanta is scheduled to start boarding. Well the pilot takes his sweet time getting to the gate, I book it off the plane and down the terminal (lucky for me my connecting flight was in the same terminal); however, this is still not enough as I rush to my gate I see that the doors are closed. I missed boarding by three minutes. I was a little miffed. However, because they knew that my flight from Vegas was late they had already rescheduled me to the next flight leaving in an hour. Totally fine with that. In fact, I was upgraded to first class for my flight to Atlanta. That's right peasants. I have crossed the curtain. I was in heaven. I had so much room I probably could have learned to ballroom dance on that flight. Although I did feel a bit like a child because everyone around me was a business man or woman in their mid thirties or older. I should have thought to bring a coloring book. When I landed in Atlanta my baggage had apparently been able to make the first connecting flight because it was already there waiting for me, which was fantastic because then I didn't have to wait for them to unload it. I was then greeting by Melysa. The wonder lady who is letting me live in her house for three months. It was so good to see her and Chris and the kids. Nothing brings me joy like being called Aunt J by their kids.

Sunday May 11th: Nothing special other than going to church in Canton. I am planning on going to the YSA ward while I am here but I figured with it being Mother's Day that I should go to the family ward with Melysa. It's way different going to church in a ward that you once served in as a missionary. Especially when there are missionaries in the ward. We then had a wonderful dinner and played until bedtime.

Monday May 12th: My first day. Oh I was so nervous. Melysa was kind enough to wake up early and take me to get my rental car (a Dodge Charger) that morning and then I made my first trek to the city. With the help of a GPS I was able to quickly find the office and the traffic wasn't too terribly bad. That day was such a blur. All I remember is meeting the people I would be working for and my co-workers and that is all. They are all pretty great, very smart and a bit intimidating. I was so overwhelmed by everything I could hardly take it all in. By 5:30 that afternoon I felt like my brain was going to explode. When I got home I was just a few months in a grave short of being a zombie.

Tuesday May 13th: My alarm goes off at 5:30 am, yes I was shocked to realize that there was one of those. I do my morning routine and I am out the door by 7. Holy early. This time I took a different path just to see how it would work. Pretty much the same. I got to the office at about 8:25. This day was hard simply because it was the nine year anniversary of my mom's death and I wasn't near family. I was kind of lethargic all day. I will never cease to be amazed at how much it still hurts. People say that it gets easier with time but those people lie. It's been nine years and I can still remember every detail of that morning. The days after are a little fuzzy but that morning is as clear as if it happened yesterday. As is the pain and the missing her. I still catch myself thinking "Oh I need to call and talk to mom about..." only to remember that I can't. So it was a rough day. Remember how I told you that Chris and Melysa were amazing? Yeah well when I got home they had bought me a vase full of flowers, they were sitting on my nightstand and they made my heart smile.

Wednesday - Friday: I will not bore you with the details but lets just say that my head is no longer going to explode it has been mending itself since about Wed at 9 am. Constantly training and learning new things and then doing them on my own. Oh my goodness I have never felt more inadequate than I do right now. Let me just say that school does nothing to prepare you for the real world and a career. All I am really paying for is just a piece of paper saying that I am "qualified" to do something. Kind of a waste, but whatever, I am so close to having that paper so I won't stop now.

Saturday May 17th: Slept in until 7 am then started the day with a bit of job applications and then ran errands with Chris and Melysa. It was fairly uneventful but good in that I was able to relax a little after a pretty intense week.

I say that I survived because it was touch and go there for a couple days. I am so glad to be here. While the next three months are going to be super hard, I know that they will be worth every hardship. As I write this I can hear Chris singing to James Blunt in the basement and I can't help but that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else on the planet at this time. I am meant to be here and I am so excited for the journey to continue. I will be continuing these weekly updates, don't worry I won't do the daily play-by-play but you know me they will be fairly lengthy.

The straw that broke the camels back

Today as I was driving to school I saw a very innocent looking car. Then...I saw a bumper sticker. This is what it said: "A world with wanted children would make a world of difference." I flipped. The best way to describe what happened inside my brain is that a literal switch was flipped. I was having an okay day and then was reminded of the stupidity of those around me. I'm not saying that I am the most brilliant person, but I would like to say that on the important things my head is firmly on my shoulders. This is what I deem an important thing.

To quote a beloved apostle "...if we are not alert, there are those today who not only tolerate but advocate voting to change laws that would legalize immorality, as if a vote would somehow alter the designs of God’s laws and nature. A law against nature would be impossible to enforce. For instance, what good would a vote against the law of gravity do?" President Boyd K Packer. The full talk given at the October 2010 General Conference can be found here: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/cleansing-the-inner-vessel?lang=eng

I suggest a thorough study of this amazing talk.

I know that many do not agree with this, they feel that choice is more important. Let me be frank, if you don't want kids, keep it in your pants. Your choice was to do the baby making activity. You don't get to choose the consequences. Why is it that responsibility is considered a four letter word? The way I see it is that the "world of difference" would only be a society that shirks at responsibility becoming completely uncivilized. 

To make it clear, I am a fan of agency. To me choice and agency have different meanings. Choice denotes that we can do whatever we please without consequences. Agency makes it clear that we have a choice, right or wrong, but there are consequences from every choice that we cannot get out of.

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